AILOUROMANIA (=^.w.^=)

heres my blog!! this sort of acts like a diary where i just ramble about whatever :3

04/02/23

RAAAAAA still workin on this damn site. idk im thinkin this is prolly gonna bcome my new diary thing ive kept up over several sites. i still need to import those entries from my tumblr writing blog that i used for like 2 days and then LOST. like fr im p sure i just lost my tumblr account and im so so upset. i had everything on my main, all my friend dms and reblogs and "bookmarks" and shit. im so sad about it :'o( ngl working on my website is getting a bit annoyin bc for whatever damn reason some things dont wanna work the way theyre supposed to and i try googling stuff but dont get the results i need. at least with the former issue its probably something im just missing, but idk, still frustrating. fuck it we ball. im gonna really try writing here more since working on this site has become my fixiation and ive moved my journal/blog/diary/whatever the FUCK you wanna call it to here. i really wanna write more. (i say this all the time and then dont :oP) i have a list of things i wanna work on on the site and i need to make a todo list section where i can put all those things, i just dont feel like doing all that formatting lmao :skull: AUGHFSDFSJKKGJ I NEED TO STOP COMPLAINING ABT THIS DAMN PROJECT im actually rlly proud of it!!! it looks like shit compared to a lot of really cool sites ive seen but i need to not compare it!! plus i kind of like how shitty it looks. old internet moment BD!! i miss web 1 so much and im glad there is a bit of a community in neocities with trying to build that back. i love when people come together for nostalgic purposes to commune and discuss and make projects and be creative because they all have this shared interest. one thing i am supurr purroud of that i did today is that i made an actual official button for the site which im IN LOVE WITH its so cute :]] i drew all the frames myself in ibispaint and then "animated" them in capcut. i also made the animation on my blog page, which id like to make another one of. it was pretty fun to make and its so cute :3 i just wish i could make transparent animations w flipaclip. i believe that is a premium thing tho. fuck paywalling man :middle_finger: i think i am gonna go work on that animation tho cause im not getting anything done just rambling here so *salutes* thatll be all from me today probably.

12/09/22 (originally written on notion.so)

oh gosh i havent written here in a while!! i stopped using notion for a while because i just ran out of motion to keep updating it, but i kind of wanna start using it again. i will probably have phases of not using this site so that means i most likely will not update my journal either. however, i dont want to pressure myself to write when i dont want to, because this is for me, whenever i need. but anyways, lots has happened! i mean nothing big, but you know a lot of time has passed and therefore things have happened. yesterday i kind of had a shitty day, but the day before that was really good! that pretty much sums up all the time thats passed since my last entry, lots of ups and downs but its been mostly enjoyable. more importantly, when it isnt enjoyable, ive had healtheir coping mechanisms and doing things to make myself feel better instead of dwelling in my sorrow. of course i still do a decent amount of dwelling, but to an extent that does help me work through things and get over them, despite what my mom says. its like if i dont dwell on certain things and not think through it, it makes me unhappy for a longer period of time; its kind of like im stuffing my feelings on something. like, for example, a few weeks ago i was supposed to go see mel at her chorus concert. she wasnt feeling well the night before and it ended up she was genuinely sick and had a fever, so obviously she couldnt do the concert anymore. i had already bought the ticket, and it only made sense to go anyways as to not waste the money, but i guess that only made sense to me because i came home that day from school to find out that i wasnt allowed to go anymore bc i didnt have plans anymore (according to mom, it would be dangerous.. im still unsure how much i agree with that). i was pretty destroyed, because i hadnt really realized just how much that meant to me considering it was my first real school event since covid. i cried for a long time. i dwelled on that. on the other hand, the night before when i realized i wouldnt see mel (when i was still under the assumption that i was still going), i handled that well. i was dissapointed, but i didnt make any kind of a big deal about it for mom or in general at all. this is just a side note, but the day when i found out i couldnt go, mom was really compassionate and sympathetic. i really appreciated that. she also bought me starbucks, which i appreciated as well :) anyways, another thing that im proud of myself for the past few days is being very productive and getting a lot of my work done. ive gotten pretty behind in my aas class (see my to-do lists lol), but ive been getting the assignments done after going through a bout of burnout and demotivation. i also took a shower yesterday and did self care for myself, even after the crappy day i had! OuO im really trying to form better habits for myself as far as taking care of myself. i dont brush my teeth or shower or wash my face as much as i should, so im trying to do that as much as i need to. today i even woke up and put makeup on and planned an outfit! i think im done writing for now, im in math and i need to do my assignment thats due today.. although i might just wait til i get home cuz i can always concentrate better there and for some reason have more motivation to do work at home. i also need to do a couple more late aas assignments as well.

09/23/22 (originally written on notion.so)

i saw this person on tik tok that had a really cool style. it was one of those im the main character posts with a will wood song and it really makes me want to wear what i truly want. im a little on the interesting side as far as my fashion but not nearly to the extent that i want. this is mostly because of what my parents think and say, like what im wearing is a distraction to other kids (not in the sexual way, like its so over the top that it draws too much attention to myself). i really really want to wear stuff like that tho!! no one seems to pay any attention to it, other than my friends who compliment me on my outfits bc thats just what friends do! hhhhh i just kinda feel myself coming to a boiling point with not being able to express myself how i want. i cant wait til im 18 and my parents cant dictate that anymore. i really really need that in my life, cause im constantly being judged and reprimanded for my personality, style, and just generally how i am. im sure they dont mean to make me feel this way but i still dont think i can take much more. im gonna try planning out outfits to wear to school, bc for the most part ive just thrown on whatever i felt like wearing that day, with little thought put into it. dont get me wrong, i still wear pretty fun outfits, but its still not exactly what i want.. . .. . idk. i also kind of dont have a lot of clothes that id like to have to begin with, i got some when i went back to school shopping, but i really want nicer shirts and stuff instead of just like. t-shirts. i like t-shirts but i have SO MANY OF THEM. im gonna try making an actual effort to make myself appear the way i want. that doesnt mean im gonna pressure myself into dressing crazily every day, but i wanna try and find inspiration for fits on like pinterest and stuff and do what i want within reason!! hopefully ill be able to get by my parents about this… and since its getting colder ill be able to layer and stuff so i generally wont have to worry about getting hot and having sensory issues djskgk,,, im really excited about this plan!! today im going to my grandparents, and im pretty excited about that. its honestly a bit stressful going down there because of my grandma but i still like seeing my family obviously! :] so im at home now and it turns out im not actually going to my grandparents. my grandma is in the hospital and has been there for a week, because of some stuff that happened because of narcotics shes been on for a plethora of health problems both mental and physical. this is kinda what i was getting at when i said its stressful going down there. SHE makes it stressful to go down there. everythings fine as far as i know, paw paw is fine but its still especially hard on him. he hasnt told anyone else except mom, and at this point its only him, her, brandi and me that know whats happening. he wants to give gammaw the chance to do whatever she feels like she needs to do, like not interfere with her situation, which he has a history of doing to almost save her and always be there for her. its almost always to a fault and just a very toxic situation to be in. she is toxic. she is toxic to almost everyone she has a relationship with, and thats why everyone is so distant from her. anyways, mom said that paw paw may come see us this weekend at some point because that will help him, but we arent going to their house. we might go see a movie tomorrow or something, but nothings for certain yet. im just really confused and worried and kind of angry. every single time gammaw can make something about herself, she does, in ways both big and noticable, and small and miniscule. she does it with everyone. gosh im so tired of talking about gammaw now!! fucking behemoth of a case in point. anyways, im watching the second episode of marks security breach play through with mel again, which has honestly made me feel a lot better. she always is so compassionate and understanding when i have a problem. i love her so insanely much dskjdsk,,

09/22/22 (originally written on notion.so)

im in my african-american studies class right now and i just came from theatre, which was SO FUN. we did our vocal and physical warm up in class and then we went to the stage to practice stage directions!! it was so so fun and the stage was so big and empty (except for us kids on it.. LOL)!! i got some videos from the class and me and vian and ashley all were kind of just horsing around (we did what we were supposed to, but we had fun too!!) they even had these two grand pianos on the stage and GOSH IT MADE ME REMEMBER HOW BAD I WANT A FULL SIZE PIANO!!! ik theyre super expensive but gosh i can only dream skjkjsdjkg… vian even played the megalovania riff real quick and it was so funny!!! i swear when me and him walked in and saw them both of our jaws dropped,,, vian actually plays the piano WHICH IS SO COOL and makes me want to learn even more than ever. ive been trying to do so for a little while but i havent consecutively practiced by any means.. i know a few simple riffs and tunes, and im trying to learn moonsetter from homestuck by toby fox, and also secret garden, the flowerfell song! im a good bit further in moonsetter than secret garden, but im not at all close to learning either of them :") however!! im still proud of the progress i have made, albeit it being not much at all in the grand scheme of things… but anyways!! so yeah that class was super duper fun and it reminds me just how much i wanted to go back to school,,, these are the experiences that i longed for when i was virtual, and i am SO unexplicably happy to be back in person :) i have to go do my class now, but i might write again later today!

09/21/22 (originally written on notion.so)

so today i started this notion planner thingy on my computer! its really fun to organize and customize everything, and so far i think itll really help me be a better student and more mindful person :) i also made this here journal tab so i can just mind dump whatever and whenever i want. i think thisll be a great way for me to stay motivated when writing, because ive really wanted to get better at that. my writing is kind of all over the place and i dont write as much as i should, AND its completely inconsistent as far as times i write. so yeah!! thisll just be like a diary thing that ill do my best to keep up with the best i can. ill make lists, write letters to my gf, write fanfiction, whatever i want really!! ive kind of been thinking about moving to typed journaling for a while now just because it seems a lot more simple and i can do things that are more characteristic to me like keysmash and use emojis. i dunno why those things kind of just help me express myself further sdfkjds. right now im just messing around in this website and listening to undertale soundtrack (for like the 15th time this week…. LOL!!) im gonna try and pretend im actually talking to some1 rather than writing in a journal like normal bc i think that kind of boxes me in as far as gettinjg my feelings out?? so typos all the way babey!!!! :33 i kinda hate that whenever i type a colon for the emojis this little menu pops up so you can choose an actual emoticon… i wonder if i can turn that off. anyways!! i had an idea for writing something earlier, and now i cant remember what that was… i think i was wanting to rant about something, and ive had a few ideas like that floating around for a sec. i need to make a list of all the things i think to write about or else ill forget them!! heres the ones i have so far… -rant about fish whisperer, paragraph dedicated to each song, plus overview and conclusion paragraphs!! -do an essay on what homestuck is about so i understand it better (thats what i was trying to remember!!) -do an unecessary deep dive on headcanons for a character! (i really wanna do one for spamton,, hes so interesting and theres so much shit we dont know abt him!!) -essay on the history (and downfall??) of rebecca bon bon. i love you girl ill never forget u :( thats all i can really think of for now :3 i dont rlly have anything else to talk about… i think i might start on one of those ideas above. later!!! :D another entry for tonight, i still wanna write. im actually getting pretty sleepy but my brain is yelling at me to make sentences and paragraphs!! >:0 i really do love using this website, ive been customizing and messing around with it all day and its so fun!! i know ive already basically said this but it really motivates me to do things i dont really wanna do like schoolwork and chores, just so i can check off on a list or add more things to do. i may not even need to use my planner i got anymore, idk!! (i kinda hope so cuz i asked for it specifically…) im still listening to undertale ost and im just so snug in my bed with sprocket while im writing this :)) im so glad ive started writing again, and i hope i continue to write almost everyday, if not actually everyday! i also rewatched some of markipliers security breach playthrough with mel today, and that was very fun :) we were practically just thirsting over sun and moon the whole time (additionally she thirsted over roxy who i dont like as much) and it was so silly and nice!! i love her so much and i really do we stay together for as long as were alive. even though i love having her as a best friend, the more i think about it the more i just wanna always be her girlfriend. she makes me so so happy!! :D i think about living together and domestically existing together all the time, i practically fantasize about it!! little things remind me of her and i just sdkjdasjkkjdf!!!!!!! shes the sweetest person ive ever met, and i am so so lucky to have her in my life qwq. yawnnn im getting sleepier… i will probably go to bed soon. if i stay up much longer im gonna hate myself when i have to wake up x( brain has yet to turn off… listen here mister… >:( i think i am gonna go to sleep now fr tho XD kjsdksdj!!! waoh theres an ant crawling on my screen!! lil friend :) that was very random but it just appeared out of nowhere! i cant see him anymore.. too dark. OK GN NOW ACTUALLY THIS TIME!!